Lead me into a curtained off, hidden corner
(Or maybe it is I who leads you,)
Hold my lips, and don’t let go
I will melt for you.
Every movement of your tongue, I crave
As I participate willingly in my own seduction
Not that you need much help.
And so we tangle together
In this web of mutual desire
But oh, all too soon we must cut ourselves free
The ache in every part of my body,
I wish to God you could have finished me
Because heaven knows I could not have said no.
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Okay, it's taken me a while, and a couple sessions at this, to come up with these revisions. Let me know what you think.
Lead me into a curtained off hidden corner
(Or maybe it is I who leads you,)
Hold my lips, and don’t let go,
Every movement of your tongue, I crave
As I participate willingly in my own seduction.
And so we tangle together
In this web of mutual desire
But oh, all too soon we must cut ourselves free
For we are not alone in this wrong time and place
My body aches, for something wanted and never received,
I wish to God you could have finished me
For you had already convinced me quite thoroughly
And I could never have said no.
You don't need that comma. Unnecessary pause. To make the next phrase parallel, it would help to add a "You" at the beginning of the phrase.
Nice. I like it.
Blah. Cliche. Excess crap. Cut it. The holding of the lips should move directly into the movement of the tongue. It feels more natural. Like a kiss. Do you pull away from a kiss? No.
Pretty good image. The craving is kind of a given - could be eliminated.
Blah. Cliche. Excess crap. Cut it.
Perhaps reference to "what a tangled web we weave?" if so, elaborate.
Why? Is Mom going to be home soon? Don't tell - show.
Again with the telling and showing... how do you ache? is it an exquisite ache? do you like the ache? is it an awful ache? Where is the ache? I need to know that if you feel it in your toes, it's there. In your fingernails? Your eyelashes? Totally consuming? Show me, don't tell me. Telling has no impact.
Finished you how?
Weak. "Heaven knows that I could not have said no - (insert compelling argument for that statement here)
This piece begs to be stronger.... right now it has potential but it is weak. You tell me you're consumed by desire for this person, whoop-de-doo. I need to feel that conviction. Otherwise this is just another failed sonnet, right up there with the ultimate enema of poetry: Shakespeare.